On Second Thought

You might not think so, since I am fairly outspoken here, and am a content creator in SL™, and have photos of my av in various states of dress on Flickr, but I am, both in SL™ and RL, horribly, painfully, hopelessly shy.

I am rarely the first to say hello. I am rarely the first to say anything! I am an SL™ Mentor, but I do so quietly, away from crowded Welcome Areas and Orientation Islands. It even took me months to warm up to chatting in the MM group channel.

It takes me ages to make friends, because I am too quiet, too reserved, to put myself out there. I love meeting new people, but it takes me a while to warm up and feel comfortable. Around friends, I can be very outspoken, and have an excellent (if I do say so myself) sense of humor. I will laugh long and loud, joke and tease (good-naturedly, of course. I’m really never intentionally mean to anyone) and am lots of fun to have around.

The problem is, it really does take ages for me to warm up to people to that point. There have been countless times where my shyness has caused me to be branded “snobby” and/or “cold.”

On the up side, although I do not always enjoy being alone, I rarely find myself unable to be when I want to be. It gives me a lot of time to write, to paint, to draw, to read, and do the things I love doing. Which is not to say that I don’t love being around people, too, because I do. Except around those that I am close to, however, I tend to be more an observer than anything.

But there are always the drawbacks… the awkwardness around new people, the desire to get to know someone I find fascinating that is overpowered by my inability to strike up a simple conversation.

I’m working on this, because, although I can see the advantages in being the quiet, observant type, I have missed many opportunities to get to know some wonderful people that, for all I know, may have turned out to be very good friends, indeed.

In some ways, SL™ helps a little with this particular problem of mine. For one, at least for initial contact, I can “hide” behind my avatar. I can tell myself that whatever someone says or thinks about my av, that doesn’t really matter, because it’s not me. The only problem with this, is that, I am me, wherever I am. I am acutely aware of the difference between SL™ and RL, but, that does not mean that I can really detach myself in quite that extent from my av. I don’t say or do things in SL™ that are not, or do not come from, very real thoughts of mine. I don’t make friends in SL™ that I don’t number among my friends, in general. I don’t differentiate that way. I’ve tried at times, but I just can’t. If I call you my friend, you’re my friend. Wherever you are, or however I met you.

However, again on the positive side, I often have a lot of time to observe someone before a conversation is begun. I can see how they interact with others, determine whether they have a good sense of humor, whether or not they are kind, long before they start talking to me. At times, this has helped me make the determination of whether or not I’m really willing to step out of my comfort zone and make friends or not.

I am me, and mostly I am happy with me. I am not perfect, though, and there are things that I am working on. This hopelessly shy aspect of my personality is one of those things that I am working on. I think I can still take pleasure in being an observer, without being too terrified to say hello ever. ;)

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